The Underbelly of Lisbon . . . it Didn’t Take Long

Well, I’ve been here 2 ½ days and I’ve already seen the dark side. Mind you, most of the things I’m about to describe occurred in broad daylight; and, I wasn’t looking for crazy, but sure as hell found it. I’m just lucky that way!

First, I was feeling rather confident in my ability to navigate the Baixa and did not rely on my map to get me to the elevator to take me up to the Bairro Alto. . .mistake number one. I rounded the wrong corner and ended up on “porno street.” Some guy whips back a heavy curtain to reveal 2 mostly naked chicks doing “things” to each other and asked if I wanted to see the peep show. I was pretty sure I just had.

Second, I’m just about to finish my very civilized Bairro Alto & Chiado stroll, as dictated by the very reputable Rick Steves, when I look down the hill of this busy and trendy shopping area to see what appears to be a shirtless man, with his pants around his ankles, squatting with his back against a very expensive clothing store, taking a dump on the sidewalk. I briefly consider taking photographic evidence of this, but decide you will judge me too harshly. So I cross to the other side of the street and ignore him, as is everyone else. What. The. Fuck.

Third, about an hour later and 8 blocks away, I see the aforementioned homeless street pooper bitching out a trash can. He had the lid off and was really giving whatfor to that garbage receptacle. I have no idea what it did to him, but he and that trash can were definitely breaking up. The homeless people here are far fewer than in Rome, but definitely crazy as shithouse rats.

And, finally the only event to occur after dark: I had a Angolan Portuguese guy tell me he was a chef by education, a musician by passion, and heading BACK to Salt Lake City to convert to Mormonism to attend Brigham Young University. Oh, but if I would meet him “to take a beer,” (this may prove to be a problem once he’s a Mormon) , when he was finished dragging people into the restaurant he worked for, he would discuss coming to the part of the United States I lived in and staying with me while he launched his music and cooking careers. He even produced evidence of his culinary skills. Wait for it. . . the guy took out his RAZR cell phone and showed me a picture of the sushi he made for lunch today. Hm, the photo looked exactly like the stock photo that comes as wallpaper on the damn phone. I should know; I had one. Good times.